Exhausted in Your Marriage? Why Overfunctioning Is So Hard to Stop
Girls… apparently asking a grown man to notice that his own child's bedroom needs vacuuming means I have declared war on men.
I recently shared a post about the mental load, and a man left me a comment that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. Not because it hurt my feelings, but because it shows so clearly why overfunctioning is so hard to stop, especially for women who are exhausted in their marriages. So let's talk about it.
In a dysfunctional family system, the person who challenges the dysfunction often becomes the scapegoat. Why? Because dysfunctional systems do not protect the truth. They protect the arrangement. And when one person stops performing the role that keeps everyone else comfortable, the system will often try to push her back into it.
Here is what he wrote, word for word:
"They can vacuum it themselves. Teach them how to do it, you seem to have a war with men. Single and independent women has their kids in jail, drug rehabs, and lots of mental issues, continue to hate men and driving them out of family units. Let everyone do their roles in a family."
I want you to notice the progression.
"They can vacuum it themselves"
The original question was simple: why does a grown man need to be told when his own child's bedroom needs to be vacuumed?
His first response was, "They can vacuum it themselves." And that immediately caught my attention. Not because children should never have chores. Of course children can be taught age-appropriate responsibility.
What caught my attention was how quickly the father disappeared from the picture. The room needs attention, but the father is not responsible for noticing it. He is not responsible for addressing it, teaching the child, or supervising the task. The child should simply do it.
The labor was renamed "teaching"
Then he adds, "Teach them how to do it." And I found myself wondering… who is the unspoken person expected to do the teaching?
The woman.
She must notice that the bedroom needs vacuuming. She must decide whether the child is old enough to do it. She must find the vacuum, show how it works, supervise, and remind the child next time. And if the room stays dirty, she will probably be blamed for not teaching the child properly.
Do you see what happened? The physical task may have been assigned to the child, but the mental and emotional labor was handed right back to the woman.
The labor did not disappear. It was simply renamed "teaching."
This is how women's work becomes invisible. You are told, "Just make the children do it," as though managing children requires no noticing, planning, teaching, reminding, or follow-through. And somehow, even while discussing his own child and his own home, the grown man stays outside the entire process.
"You seem to have a war with men"
There it is. The conversation began with a father being asked to take part in caring for his own child. But instead of staying with that question, the focus shifts to the woman who asked it.
Now we are no longer discussing his responsibility. We are discussing my tone. My intentions. My supposed feelings about men.
This is where many overfunctioning women get pulled off course. You raise a legitimate concern, but instead of answering it, he becomes offended by how you raised it. Before you know it, you are explaining:
"I don't hate men."
"I wasn't trying to attack you."
"Maybe I could have said it differently."
"Let me explain what I really meant."
And just like that, his lack of responsibility is no longer the subject. Your delivery is.
Hear me, darling. When accountability is repeatedly turned into an accusation of male bashing, the accusation may be serving as an escape route from the accountability. It is not always an understanding problem. Sometimes it is a willingness problem. Sometimes it is an entitlement problem.
Blame for everything, responsibility for nothing
But the comment did not stop there. Next, he wrote: "Single and independent women has their kids in jail, drug rehabs, and lots of mental issues…"
Whew! A grown man is asked why he needs to be told to vacuum his child's bedroom, and suddenly single and independent women are responsible for children being incarcerated, entering rehab, and struggling with their mental health.
Notice that leap. Men can be removed from the daily responsibility of raising children, yet women remain available to receive all the blame for whatever happens to those children. The father's choices disappear. The father's absence disappears. The father's refusal to participate disappears. But the woman's independence becomes the problem.
Apparently, women are powerful enough to destroy entire family systems, but we still cannot expect a grown man to operate a vacuum cleaner without instructions.
This is how a system protects itself. If a woman silently carries the household, anticipates everyone's needs, teaches the children, regulates the emotions, and compensates for the man, nobody asks what this arrangement is costing her. But when she becomes exhausted and puts something down, suddenly she is:
Hating men
Breaking up the family
Hurting the children
Being too independent
Refusing to "do her role"
Her refusal to keep compensating for him becomes more offensive than his refusal to participate.
Tired of carrying it all? Start the Overfunctioning Detox →
Who decided the roles?
Finally, he concludes: "Let everyone do their roles in a family."
That sentence tells us so much. Because who decided what these "roles" are? Why does the woman's role include noticing, planning, teaching, reminding, cleaning, supervising, regulating, and carrying the consequences? And why does the man's role somehow exclude noticing that his own child's bedroom needs attention?
Sometimes "Let everyone do their roles" does not mean "Let's create a fair partnership we both agreed on." Sometimes it means: "Please stop challenging the arrangement that benefits me."
Why stopping overfunctioning feels so threatening
This is why stopping overfunctioning can feel so threatening, not only to you, but to the people who have benefited from it.
You are not simply leaving a few dishes in the sink. You are not simply refusing to remind him again. You are not simply handing a responsibility back. You are interrupting a system that has relied on your exhaustion to keep functioning.
And systems resist change. They may call you selfish. They may accuse you of becoming cold. They may say somebody has influenced you. They may tell you that you are destroying the family. They may even blame you for the consequences of responsibilities they refused to carry.
Girls, do not let the accusation make you abandon the original question: why does a grown man need a woman to repeatedly tell him how to take part in caring for his own child and his own home?
He does not need a more exhausted woman creating a better chore chart. He does not need another reminder. He does not need you to find gentler words. And he certainly does not need you to hold the vacuum with him and teach him how to use it.
He needs the willingness to take responsibility. He needs the humility to notice the labor he has expected someone else to carry. And he needs to let go of the entitlement to full-service, VIP access in exchange for bare-minimum participation.
Where we begin
If you are exhausted in your marriage from carrying the mental load, managing a grown man, and then being blamed whenever you finally put something down, the Overfunctioning Detox is where we begin.
You will learn how to recognize what you have been carrying, stop rescuing without drowning in guilt, and return adult responsibilities to the adults they belong to.
Get the Overfunctioning Detox ($47) →
Not ready for the Detox yet? Download my free guide to the stages of overfunctioning and find out where you are.
And I would love to hear from you: have you ever raised a legitimate concern, only to find yourself defending your tone, your intentions, or whether you "hate men," while the original issue quietly disappeared? Come share your story with me on the Jane Kuria Coaching Facebook page.
Jane Kuria is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Overfunctioning Women Coach. This post is for educational and coaching purposes and is not therapy or a substitute for professional mental health care.
